I thought it would be a good idea to play Half-Life 2 on my lunch breaks at work. Only, I don’t know anything about Half-Life 2 and I don’t want to learn. So, join me in this text-only let’s play of Half-Life 2 for the PS3. Visualizations are provided by a Rogue AI.
Session 4: In which I donkey the kong.
I am alone both in the game and in my room. Nobody is here. It is a rarity that I can have the volume on. Behind me is a loading screen demon. Ahead of me is an empty corridor. I turn the volume up. I walk Gordon around the next corner.
My roommate came in, and although she didn’t say anything, it was clear she was embarrassed for me. The silence of my room is shattered with 1000 decibels of gunfire and shouting. I remember why I always play with the volume down, even when alone.
“I didn’t know there was going to be shooting,” I mumble.
“In a videogame?” She asks me pointedly.
“I didn’t want there to be shooting?” I reply.
“Ok,” she says in her way that acknowledges my stupid but doesn’t take any of it on.
I walk around in the game a bit more. I’m not feeling it. “Sorry ,Gordo,” I say. “I’m not feeling it today.”
I walk around one last corner and come up on a hallway where a jackboot tries to roll a flaming barrel at me. I laugh, I leap, and as I do, I ask the Jackboot if he knows my pal Donkey Kong. Then I trip over the flaming barrel, it explodes, and both Donkey Kong and I die. Fade to red. Loading screen. Back just outside the corner with the rolling barrel guy.
Annoyed, I take out my crowbar and run up to the barrel throwing Jackboot and trying to beat the barrel up. Explosion. Fade to Red. Loading screen. Back just outside the corner with the rolling barrel guy.
Annoyed, I switch from my crowbar to my firearm and run up to the barrel-rolling guy while shooting. The barrel explodes slightly earlier than before. Fade to Red. Loading screen. Back just outside the corner with the rolling barrel guy.
I decided that I didn’t need to deal with that guy and didn’t want to go up on his stupid barrel-rolling trip anyway. So I sprint past before he can roll the barrel at me, hide and crouch behind a wall, and wait for the barrel to move past.
But it never does.
I remember what kind of game I am playing and decided to forget about that guy and see what else is going on down the train tunnel. Then I come to one of the blue forcefields that are-- allegedly -- there to keep the trainyard secure but are there to keep the player from walking too far off the map and breaking the game.
I remember what kind of game I am playing and decided to go back and face the rolling barrel guy. Explosion. Fade to Red. Loading screen. Back just outside the corner with the rolling barrel guy.
This time, I decide to creep up to the guy and see if I can make the barrel explode before he rolls it. It doesn’t make sense if you’re playing Donkey Kong, sure. It would make a lot of sense if it were Donkey Kong. If Mario had just shot that ape dead once and for all, think about how much differently Diddy Kong racing would have been.
The sniping works. And the barrel explodes not only the barrel-rolling guy (who, I guess in this timeline, is a barrel about to roll but ultimately died before he had a chance to live guy) but also his friend, who I didn’t know about, explodes his secret, barrel too.
And there is a health charge up at the top of the barrel ramp-- which is nice because I am bad at not getting shot-- which, it turns out, seems to be a big part of this game. I quicksave at the top of the barrel ramp and spend some time experimenting with exploding barrels, learning what they can and cannot do. Explosion. Fade to Red. Loading screen. Top of the ramp.
Eventually, I decide it’s time to run and gun, and that’s when it clicks. That’s what this game is. You run and gun your way down a map and hope you can see where you’re allowed to go and that when you get there, you’ll remember how to crouch. After some running and gunning, I end up at the end of a hallway where my only choice is to jump into a pool of yellow water fields with crates, which I do. At the end of the river of yellow water is a ladder I can attach myself to and crawl out of the water and up into a place where it looks safe to take a minute.
That’s enough for today, I decide. I’m not sure I want to continue to play this game. It’s okay, but it is _not_ a modern game, and It’s not the kind of game I love to play.