I thought it would be fun to log playing the seminal game “Half-Life 2.” I have never played it, have only a passing familiarity with it through my experience playing the portal games, and have no idea what kind of a game it is. I’m only going to look things up if I get hopelessly stuck, and because I’m playing it on the PlayStation 3, I can’t stream it or take screen captures. So I’ll use AI to generate the supporting artwork for this walkthrough. Oh, and one last thing: I’m playing it on my lunch break, so I only get 30-minute increments, and I get interrupted regularly.
An update in which I wander around a city being punched in the face.
I was confused upon relaunching the game this lunchtime. I had started up “Half-life 2 Episode One,” which, I guess, is not the same thing as “Half-Life 2.” So, for clarity, I want to state that, without doing any research, I will declare myself as playing Half-Life 2: Episode 0. I’m not sure I understand the numbering structure, Valve, but whatever. Is that lady I met at the mid-point of today’s play session the titular Half-Life Alex? I have an Oculus. Will that work? It doesn’t matter because I said I wouldn’t do any research, and I won’t do any research.
So, eventually, I loaded up the suitable game and found my save file from yesterday-- when it all came flooding back to me. The pickup up of garbage. The walking around. The walking around clicking on doors, some of which, I discovered today, have what look like cameras on them and make a harsh clicking noise that I was unable to discern whether it meant something or is just the noise those make when you click on them.
Occasionally, as I walked around the square, a flying camera robot drone (or whatever) would hover over me and appear to take my picture. Also, so many guys in riot gear occasionally would punch me in the face that I would whiteout and wake up a few feet away from where the guys who were punching me were. I think that was probably me dying in the tutorial-- but there was no reason to believe that was the case, as it never said. “You died.” or “HA HA HA! I Punch You To Death.” or anything useful.
So, after two laps around the automatic doors that yell at you if you approach them, and several ineffective conversations with the NPCs walking around outside-- (“If we’re seen talking, there will be trouble,”), I wondered if I was done. Was this game, this critical darling, this beloved franchise, going to defeat me? Was this all the further my Half-Life 2 journey was going to go?
All exits appeared to be barred... Throwing cans at the riot troupers only agitated them if I got too close. Trying to bum-rush the riot guys standing by a half-open door only got me punched in the face until I whited out. I tried throwing shopping baskets at those guys—the same results. I remembered seeing a box by a trash bin, so I walked over, grabbed it, and tried throwing it at various NPCs.
I began to doubt myself.
And it was as I was walking back over to the trash bins that I saw a ladder. And when I pointed my eyes at it, a pop-up menu appeared and told me to press ◼️ to attach it to the ladder-- just like in real life.
Ideas snapped together like magnets, and it all came into focus. I jumped up the ladder and started running across the ceilings. It was amazing. I have found the game! There is a game here! I climbed up a ladder. On the roofs of the buildings were many more cans for picking up and throwing. And then I started getting shot at. The riot-suit guys, who, until I attached myself to that ladder, were content to punch me repeatedly with their spark sticks, suddenly had automatic weapons they were willing to shoot at me.
Fortunately, they could have been better shots. Or maybe I’m just that good at extreme roof-walking. My notes get a little hazy here, but I eventually end up in a couple of hallways of what appear to be tenement buildings, decorated only with the simplest of furniture.
Listen, I know I have no perspective on this, but I have to question the world-building here. What's with all the first-person shooters with fully decked-out bathrooms connected to bedrooms that just have old mattresses thrown on the floor? Every building has at least three rooms with an old mattress rotting on the floor. Who lives like this? Am I supposed to feel empathy for these people? This proliferation of floor mattresses says more about the general demographic of video game developers than it does bout the NPCs, but I digress.
I don’t know. Suddenly there was a lot of running and apartments with multiple entrances, and there was one part where I got confused about my orientation and had to walk through the loading screen _four times._ FOUR TIMES.
The Alyx shows up. She makes me follow her. I end up in a room with a wacky scientist and story points. I was distracted by the Garbage teleporter in the corner of the room. The story in the middle of the room wanted me to get into my Gordon suit or whatever, so I saved my file. We’ll see what happens next.
END SESSION 2.